I went on a three-day spiritual retreat in September 2018. I had no idea when I got to my cabin that I would find a book that would help me on my journey to healing. I knew God was calling me to a time of solitude and stillness. I had never done a spiritual retreat and didn’t know what to expect. When I opened the book, An Invitation to Retreat, by Ruth Haley Barton, I found the reason why God called me to this time of solitude. This book was just placed in that cabin the week before I came. I don’t think it was a coincidence. There was a poem, “The Knapsack,” that talked about not grieving losses and how these losses are carried around in a knapsack.
As I read this poem, I began to weep. I realized this poem was about me. I had stuffed so many of my losses and had not really dealt with my grief.
You see, nine months before, in January 2018, I went on a one day retreat. My “goal” for the retreat was to spend some time in God’s word, some time in prayer and then do some ministry planning.
As I got to the cabin on that snowy January day, there was a sign above the door.
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
Exodus 14:14
Wow. God was calling me to stillness and solitude. Nine months later, I was ready to be still and wait for Him.
As I looked at my knapsack, I saw all kinds of loss. I know I wasn’t good at grieving my losses. I began to unpack my knapsack and lay it all at the Lord’s feet.
- The loss of leaving a great church and community in Indiana
- The loss of friendships we held dear
- Selling our home and moving across the country
- The loss of stability and comfort
- The loss of financial stability
- Empty Nesting
- The loss of my dad
- Loss of what “was to be” at our church in Arizona.
- Loss of relationships we formed in Arizona
- Moving across the country again…
I went to bed that night thinking of all the losses my husband and I had experienced. When I woke up the next morning, I noticed there was a cross on the wall in front of me. God quickly reminded me that I had not grieved the loss of my dad.
When he died on February 2, 2016, we traveled home, laid him to rest and then went back to Arizona within a week’s time. When I got back to Arizona, I hit the ground running. I was in charge of a blood drive our church was hosting the following Sunday. Two weeks later was a ground-breaking ceremony for our new children’s ministry and student ministry space. As I look back, it was a jam-packed month. In the midst of all that, Kevin interviewed and started a position at Facebook.
That morning, once I started my coffee and sat down to pray, I began praying that God would begin to bring healing to my broken heart. At one point, I looked across the room and I saw the drawing of two hands holding a broken heart. The scripture passage was
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Psalm 147:3
As I sat in quiet reflection, walking through the losses, God spoke to me and told me he was mending each one.
Since leaving that three-day retreat, I have had such a hunger to spend time with God in solitude and stillness. I know God is growing my roots deeper. He is doing a new work in me… so he can do His work through me. I am so thankful for the Lord’s provision. For helping me unpack my knapsack. He has called me to share my journey. If you have experienced loss, my prayer for you is that you would take time to be still before the Lord.