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Category: spiritual retreat

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Jesus Desires Presence Over Production

peaceful lake on a afternoon in southeast Indiana

In this new season,  God is showing me he is more concerned about my relationship with Him and who I am becoming rather than what I do. I had been running the race of full-time vocational children’s ministry for over twenty years. For thirteen of those years, I was working full time while juggling motherhood.  

I wore the label of “doer” quite proudly. I have always been the high achiever type. As a 3 “The Achiever” on the Enneagram, I strive to DO everything with excellence. In every ministry I had the privilege to lead, I saw the need for improvements. I wanted to take the ministry to the next level. My gifts were putting structure in place, setting a vision for ministry, and helping families win at home. 

Recently, I was looking back through my journals. I’m not sure where I read this, but it is a beautiful reminder for all of us.  “Jesus desires presence over production.” Jesus doesn’t say perform for me. He whispers, “Draw near to me.” 

“Come near to God and he will come near to you.”

James 4:8 (NIV)

Honestly, I never considered the years of ministry work as performing. Yet, as I continue to spend time with Jesus and get closer to him, I have come to recognize that some of my identity was in what I did. As I spend time in silence and prayer,  I continue to hear Jesus whisper, Paula, I am with you. Your identity is not in what you do. Your identity is found in me. My dear child, you are my daughter. You are my beloved. Draw near to me. 

What about you? Is your identity found in what you do? Are you an achiever like me? I challenge you to take time this week to sit with God. Draw near to him, and he will draw near to you. 

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Seeking Stillness & Solitude

I originally wrote this for the Arise Newsletter, Volume 2 Issue 7 | July 2020. Arise is an organization for ordained women ministers in the Church of God. The video was a result of the following article.

“Many Christians have so busied themselves with programs and activities that they no longer know how to be silent and meditate on God’s word or recognize the mysteries that are in the Person of Christ.” 

Ravi Zacharias

About two years ago, while on staff at Salem Church of God, we were wrapping up a Gravity discipleship course with Kristan Dooley. As a result, I felt God call me to deepen my roots.  Unfortunately there were times my quiet time was something I looked at as something I would check off my “to do”  list. I saw it as something “To do” rather than “to BE” with Jesus. 

I knew God was calling me to a deeper relationship with him. I knew God was calling me to Stillness.. To BE with Him. One verse kept coming back to me.

“Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.”

Psalm 46:10 (nlt)

I realized I was really good at “doing” but not good at “being”.  I struggled to spend ten minutes alone with God. I sensed something had to change. I no longer wanted to be so busy working for God, that I didn’t know God. And I realized that being busy for God, could make me miss out on what He really wanted for me. Was it possible I could do God’s work, yet miss out on what he truly wanted me to do? Was I listening?

Busy-ness makes us look like the rest of our culture. You cannot hear God if you’re too busy to listen. Busy-ness causes us to take matters into our own hands instead of giving it to God. Instead, God calls us to be still.

“Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.”  

Psalm 27:14 (nlt)

Sitting in stillness and silence was such a new thing for me. There are times when it is still difficult. But It has changed my relationship with God more than I could ever imagine. I encourage you to take a few minutes of your prayer time to just be still and quiet. Listen to God’s love for you. Remember—GOD loves you and cares for you more than you can ever imagine! 

If you are looking for ways to quiet yourself and be still, here are some simple steps for you to try. 

  • Find a comfortable place to sit and be still
  • Concentrate on your breathing
  • Inhale then exhale.  
  • Notice your body relaxing
  • Feel God’s presence

It may take you a few days to get comfortable with this. At first, your mind will race to the things you need to do for that day. Keep at it! I promise you will come to a place where you start to crave this stillness. Remember, God wants to BE with you more than he wants you to DO. Take time to be with him!

Here are a few resources I have found helpful. 

Books

  • An Invitation to Retreat by Ruth Haley Barton
  • Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Pete Scazzero
  • Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer
  • Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton
  • Soul Keeping by John Ortberg
  • Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership by Ruth Haley Barton

Podcasts

  • Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership with Ruth Haley Barton
  • The Emotionally Healthy Leader Podcast with Pete Scazzero

Apps

  • Centering Prayer
  • Pray As You Go
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Grace In The Pace

little girl running

“Hurry is the great enemy of our spiritual life in our day. You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.”  

Dallas Willard quoted in Soul Keeping

Recently when going to the airport to pick our adult children, I parked my car and hurried into the building entrance to catch the elevator. Standing there waiting for the elevator was a mom, her little girl, and a grandma. The mom said to me, “Looks like you are in a hurry!”  Stunned by her question, I said, “well, actually, I am early.” I was about 40 minutes early picking up our daughter. I nervously laughed and said, “I guess just naturally walk fast.” 

The other night I stopped by our grocery store to pick a few items. I had been gone all afternoon, traveling almost four hours round trip for a meeting with my state pastor. As I got out of the car, I noticed myself walking towards the entrance in a hurry. All of a sudden, when I got the produce department, I realized what I was doing. I purposely slowed down as I  walked through the rest of the store.

While I was sharing with my spiritual director today, I reflected on these stories. She shared something God showed her a few years ago while she was on a silent retreat at the Abby of Gethsemani.  While attending the 3:15 AM Vigils, she took notice of some of the monks coming in late, yet they didn’t seem to be in a hurry. Later, as she sat with that image, The Lord gave her the phrase “Grace in the pace”. 

GRACE IN THE PACE. WOW! That struck me. I am realizing that while I am on this journey…  God is teaching me to slow down. To look at the condition of my soul —to have grace in the pace.  

“Being hurried is an inner condition. A condition of the soul. Busyness migrates to hurry when we let it squeeze God out of our lives.”

John Ortberg, Soul Keeping

Note the difference between being “BUSY” and “HURRIED”:  

Busy

  • A full schedule 
  • Many activities
  • An outward condition
  • Physically demanding
  • Reminds me I need God

Hurried

  • Preoccupied
  • Unable to be fully present
  • An inner condition of the soul
  • Spiritually draining
  • Causes me to be unavailable to God

“Jesus was often busy, but never hurried.”

John Ortberg, Soul Keeping

Even when Jesus and his disciples had been out teaching all day, Jesus didn’t give them their next assignment and tell them to go on their way. He told them to come away with him and rest. He understood the importance of getting away and finding rest.

What about you? Are you busy? Are you hurried? Maybe God is calling you to slow down your pace. Maybe he is saying you need a little grace in your pace.  

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Catch A Breath

As I started 2020, I knew I was starting Something New – A Whole New Beginning. I told my husband I wanted to “catch a breath” as I started this new year, so I purposely scheduled a silent retreat in the second week of January. I would spend 3 days and 2 nights away in southern Indiana at The Springs.  The Springs is dedicated to providing a sacred retreat space for Christian Ministry Staff and Leaders. 

This was dedicated time to get away from the noise and busyness of daily life demands. It was a time to rest and reflect in silence and solitude – no television, internet, or cell phone reception!  

I knew this time away was going to be good for my soul.  I would spend time in prayer and specifically asking God what he wanted for me in this next season of ministry. 

However, before leaving for my retreat, I had a session with my spiritual director. She challenged me to sit in the space between the inhale and the exhale. Take this time to REST. Nothing more.

I love the way Ruth Haley Barton paraphrased Psalm 46:10 in her book “An Invitation To Retreat” 

“Be Still (literally let go of your grip), and know (experiential full-body knowing) that I am God.”

In other words, Let Go of Your Grip and EXPERIENCE Letting GOD be GOD in Your Life.

Ruth Haley Barton

God was calling me to let go and Abide in Him. I rested well those few days. I took a long walk and explored some of the beautiful 150 acres. I spent time praying and listening. I spent time reading, sitting and being still. 

“Spiritual disciplines are a means to prevent everything in your life from being filled up.  It means somewhere you’re not occupied and you’re certainly not preoccupied. It means to create that space in which something can happen that you hadn’t planned on or counted on.”

Henri Nouwen

When I asked the Lord to speak to me. He gave me the words, YOU are enough. Your identity is not being a children’s pastor. You are mine. I love you, Paula. 

What about you? Do you need to catch a breath? Do you need to hold space between your Inhale and your Exhale? You may not have the opportunity to get away for a few days, but you can take a few hours, perhaps a day to go to a park or go to a quiet coffee shop.  I would recommend grabbing a copy of Ruth Haley Barton’s book “An Invitation to Retreat” and diving in!

Make time for stillness and silence in 2020. You will be glad you did! 

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Necessary Endings Lead To New Beginnings

Clip from Paula's December 29, 2019 sermon

My final Sunday as Children’s Pastor at Salem Church of God was December 29, 2019. My pastor asked if I would share my journey with the church on my final Sunday.  I was honored to give the message and very humbled by the love and encouragement I received that day. 

Necessary Endings Lead to New Beginnings. December 29, 2019

There are 3 things I would encourage you to do as you begin the new year…

Find a time of day and place where you can be alone with God.

“Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.”  

Psalm 37:10

Identify one  “necessary ending” that will lead to a new beginning.  

In his book, Necessary Endings, Dr. Henry Cloud says…. “Getting to the next level always requires ending something, leaving it behind, and moving on. Growth demands that we move on. Without the ability to end things, people stay stuck, never becoming who they are meant to be, never accomplishing all that their talents and abilities should afford them.” 

I challenge you to think about what necessary ending needs to take place.

  • For some of us, it could be a bad habit
  • For others, it could be a job where you feel stuck
  • For some of us, it’s an unhealthy relationship

I don’t know what it is… but God does. He can help guide you through the necessary ending and help you as you step into a new beginning.

Surrender the necessary ending and wait for God to do his work. 

According to Pastor and author, John Ortberg, “Biblically, waiting is not just something we have to do until we get what we want. Waiting is part of the process of becoming what God wants us to be.”

As we start this new year, you and I have the opportunity for it to not just be a new year, we have the opportunity for it to be a different year. A BETTER year! What would happen if you were still enough to listen to God? I believe he would give you the confidence and clarity you need to make it a BETTER year. 

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A Step Of Faith…

Photo of a dock on a lake

I have been in full-time Children’s Ministry for 17 years.  During that time…

  • I have loved the calling God has had on my life.
  • I have loved leading teams and growing the children’s ministries in three churches in Indiana, Arizona, and Ohio.
  • I have enjoyed connecting with parents while loving on babies and children of all ages.

It has been amazing—God has been so good!

However, over the past year, I sensed God calling me to something new. God has continued to put this passage from Isaiah before me. 

See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19 (NIV)

While Kevin and I were on vacation in late August,  I was listening to a podcast. The speaker talked about the attributes of Jesus. When she said Jesus surrendered to the will of his Father I began to weep. I knew it was time to surrender to what I have known and step into the unknown. I came back and told my pastor I would probably transition in June of 2020. 

Then, while on a personal retreat on October 10, I spent time praying and listening. I heard the Lord say, “Do you trust me?” I heard him say it several times that morning while sitting on a cabin porch.

Another time when I was sitting on the wooden dock at the pond. He said, “I am calling you out on the water. Are you going to step out?” I went home and told Kevin that knew it was time to submit my resignation and step out on the waters of uncertainty. in faith and trust that God will lead me forward.

Therefore, I submitted my resignation effective December 31, 2019. No, I am not leaving Salem Church of God to go be a children’s pastor at another church. I am simply stepping out in faith and trusting God will lead me where he wants me. 

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Grace

Photo of a lake and a cabin at Innkeeper Ministries, Lewisburg, Ohio

At the beginning of 2019, I made a decision to take a personal retreat once a quarter. This was something I was feeling God was asking me to do… to take time to “Be Still.”

There is this amazing place in the small country town of Lewisburg, Ohio. Innkeeper Ministries is a ministry that offers support, encouragement and rest to Christian pastors and leaders. I had Thursday, October 10th on my calendar for 9 months. There is both a home and a cabin on the property. When I go, I spend time at the cabin. I LOVE it, it’s serene and very quiet.

I planned to use this day to do a dashboard check up on my personal and ministry life as well as prepare a devotional for a mom’s group at church. I felt the Lord was leading me to share about grace.

I spent the morning doing my “check-up” and then took a break to go to the house to use the restroom. When I went into the house, a photo on the wall caught my eye.

Grace: unmerited mercy: pardon.

“Out of his fullness, we have all received grace upon grace.”

John 1:16

I love the amplified version…

“For out of His fullness [the superabundance of His grace and truth] we have all received grace upon grace [spiritual blessing upon spiritual blessing, favor upon favor, and gift heaped upon gift].”

John 1:16 Amplified Version

Don’t you just love that!!! … “Superabundance”, then “Spiritual blessing upon Spiritual blessing.. Favor upon favor, gift HEAPED upon gift!!”

I don’t believe it was a coincidence that I had already planned to talk about GRACE. I believe God was affirming the message I was to share.

I believe before we can offer grace to anyone, we must first offer grace to ourselves.

I know as women, we are running at such a fast pace in our over-scheduled worlds! Some of you are barely getting any sleep at night because you have littles. Some of you are working, taking care of a family and running your kids to a variety of extracurricular activities. I know.. I was there.

My Journey

About 18 years ago, I was a stay at home mom. My kids were almost 5 and 9, one day, while a friend and her daughter were over for a play date, my husband came home from work early ~ it was about noon. He was carrying a box of his belongings from his office. My friend could tell something was up and took our daughters to go grab some lunch.

The Crisis

He shared that his company laid off a bunch of people that day. He was was one of many in the first round of layoffs. We were devastated ~ he had been working there for 10 years.

Over the next couple of months, I started working at a new daycare. My husband found temporary work while he continued to search for a full-time job.

I advanced to being the director of the daycare quickly. This meant I took on more responsibility… and… would have to go back to get my Masters in Education since I had a bachelor’s in graphic design and not education.

I thought I could do it all.. work 60+ hours a week, maintain a home, work on my masters, volunteer at church and be a good wife and mother… I thought I could be Super Woman!

Breakdown

I was a hot mess – little did I know.. I was having an emotional breakdown. Anxiety and fear gripped me for a couple of months. It was so bad, I would wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks.

I remember scheduling an appointment with my doctor. When I went in, I told him what was going on. Thankfully he was very understanding. He prescribed some meds and suggested I seek counseling.

Not too much later, I walked into the counselor’s office and began telling her my story. After listening.. she said “Paula.. why don’t you just quit?”

Ummm. Quit? No. I’m loyal. I’m hard working. I have invested a lot into this place.. I can’t quit.. I don’t quit things… You see.. I could not give myself grace!

After much prayer and seeking wise counsel, 2 months later, God released me from that position and I submitted my resignation.

Friends, before you can offer grace to anyone, our spouse, our loved ones, our children, you need to accept this FREE GIFT of GRACE from God yourself.

“May God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ give you grace and peace.”

1 Corinthians 1:3

As we begin to embrace the grace God offers us, we begin to give it.

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Can God Enlarge Souls Through Loss?

flower background with the question, "Can God Enlarge Souls through loss?

This question came out of my Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Devotional this morning. As I sat in the stillness of the morning pondering this question, I realized how much God has expanded the territory of my soul this past year. 

I’ve had some rough years. In the last four years, my husband and I had two big cross-country moves, my dad passed away and we suffered financial losses.  Looking back, I know I suffered from depression. I had hit a wall. I didn’t realize until recently how the grief and losses had a hold on me. 

On a September spiritual retreat, God allowed me space to work through my losses. I felt a breakthrough! On the other side of that wall, God expanded the territory of my heart. He healed my sorrow. He used that moment to give me a “Spiritual Awakening”. 

I can see how God is continuing to do a work in me. Throughout the year, I have sensed God is doing something new. He has consistently put Isaiah 43:19 in front of me. 

“For I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?’’

Isaiah 43:19

I can not wait to see what will be birthed out of my past losses.  I believe he is enlarging my soul so he can do a new work through me. 

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An Invitation to Stillness and Peace

Bible, Journal and drawing of a mended heart
My Bible, journal and a mended heart

I went on a three-day spiritual retreat in September 2018. I had no idea when I got to my cabin that I would find a book that would help me on my journey to healing. I knew God was calling me to a time of solitude and stillness. I had never done a spiritual retreat and didn’t know what to expect. When I opened the book, An Invitation to Retreat, by Ruth Haley Barton, I found the reason why God called me to this time of solitude. This book was just placed in that cabin the week before I came. I don’t think it was a coincidence. There was a poem, “The Knapsack,” that talked about not grieving losses and how these losses are carried around in a knapsack.

As I read this poem, I began to weep. I realized this poem was about me. I had stuffed so many of my losses and had not really dealt with my grief.

You see, nine months before, in January 2018, I went on a one day retreat. My “goal” for the retreat was to spend some time in God’s word, some time in prayer and then do some ministry planning.

As I got to the cabin on that snowy January day, there was a sign above the door.

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

Exodus 14:14

Wow.  God was calling me to stillness and solitude. Nine months later, I was ready to be still and wait for Him.

As I looked at my knapsack, I saw all kinds of loss. I know I wasn’t good at grieving my losses. I began to unpack my knapsack and lay it all at the Lord’s feet.

  • The loss of leaving a great church and community in Indiana
  • The loss of friendships we held dear
  • Selling our home and moving across the country
  • The loss of stability and comfort
  • The loss of financial stability
  • Empty Nesting
  • The loss of my dad
  • Loss of what “was to be” at our church in Arizona.
  • Loss of relationships we formed in Arizona
  • Moving across the country again…

I went to bed that night thinking of all the losses my husband and I had experienced. When I woke up the next morning, I noticed there was a cross on the wall in front of me. God quickly reminded me that I had not grieved the loss of my dad.

When he died on February 2, 2016, we traveled home, laid him to rest and then went back to Arizona within a week’s time. When I got back to Arizona, I hit the ground running. I was in charge of a blood drive our church was hosting the following Sunday. Two weeks later was a ground-breaking ceremony for our new children’s ministry and student ministry space. As I look back, it was a jam-packed month. In the midst of all that, Kevin interviewed and started a position at Facebook.

That morning, once I started my coffee and sat down to pray, I began praying that God would begin to bring healing to my broken heart. At one point, I looked across the room and I saw the drawing of two hands holding a broken heart. The scripture passage was

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

Psalm 147:3

As I sat in quiet reflection, walking through the losses, God spoke to me and told me he was mending each one.

Since leaving that three-day retreat, I have had such a hunger to spend time with God in solitude and stillness. I know God is growing my roots deeper. He is doing a new work in me… so he can do His work through me.  I am so thankful for the Lord’s provision. For helping me unpack my knapsack.  He has called me to share my journey. If you have experienced loss, my prayer for you is that you would take time to be still before the Lord.